Taming Temper Tantrums…Ours!

                                                                                                                                                                                             January 2009

There have been many articles written about calming children’s temper tantrums, but after a recent trip to the mall late one evening I was amazed at the number of temper tantrums I witnessed. I witnessed a few from the children but surprisingly, the majority was mommy tantrums. I would like to sit with a halo over my head but the truth is, there were times when my children were young when I remember losing my temper. Parenting is the most challenging job we’ll ever face.

It's because we love our children so dearly that they are able to provoke such strong feelings of anger in us, according to Nancy Samalin, a New York City–based parent educator and the author of Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma. But that doesn't make expressing that anger through hollering or put-downs appropriate—or effective. Samalin, who has conducted workshops for parents of toddlers through teens for more than 25 years, says the key is to feel and acknowledge your emotions but not let them control you and make you act irrationally. "Yelling is usually a sign that a parent has no strategy," says Thomas Phelan, a clinical psychologist and the author of the popular 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (Child Management, Inc.). At a loss for what to do, moms (and dads) may resort to yelling out of anger or frustration. But the end result is that parents feel guilty and children get the emotional message that they are bad.

Samalin and Phelan recommend drawing on these following strategies when your kids are driving you up the wall:

·         Exit or wait. When you feel your anger getting the better of you, briefly withdraw from the situation until you calm down, Samalin writes in Love and Anger. Phelan agrees: He suggests stepping out of the room, counting to ten, going to your bedroom, and closing the door—whatever it takes to restore your cool.

·         "I," not "you." Avoid attacking your child with "you" statements—"You are so messy!" or "You're always late." Instead, think in terms of "I": "I don't like picking clothes up off your floor every day" or "I get upset when we're not on time." These are less hurtful and inflammatory.

·         Stay in the present. When your child makes you angry, don't work yourself into a frenzy by listing every offense he/she has committed in the past week and is likely to commit in the future. Stick to the issue at hand.

·         Restore good feelings. When you do lose it, reconnect with your child as soon as possible. That may mean saying you're sorry and giving a hug and kiss to a younger child. For an older child, you may want to offer an explanation of why you were angry along with an apology. Don't worry that apologizing will diminish your authority—it won't. It shows your child that you respect him/her and teaches him/her that everyone can be wrong sometimes.

·         Recognize what the problem is. Is it really your child's messy room? Or are you sleep-deprived? Feeling overwhelmed at work? Mad at your husband or mother or boss? Be aware of when you are more vulnerable to anger and resist the urge to transfer negative feelings to your child.

·         Make yourself—and all family members—accountable for lashing out. Institute a "no losing it" rule to make kids and parents aware of the times they go ballistic. But do it with a light touch. For instance, make a chart and tack on a sticker when one of you has an outburst. If one family member is accumulating a lot of stickers, it's time to talk about it.

·         Avoid situations that will encourage unreasonable expectations. As I was shopping, I noticed the time. It was after 9:00. Both parents and children were tired and would have been better off at home relaxing. There are always good sales, an abundance of things to buy, but childhood is fleeting!

Make the most of every minute. Your child is watching and learning from your responses. Don’t tolerate tantrums from your child or yourself!

Have You Watered Your Child Today?

                                                                                                                                                                                           October 2008

            Encouragement is to children as water is to plants.  They need it to thrive.  It’s easy to tell plants that are watered regularly.  They are green, healthy and stand tall.  In much the same fashion, children who are encouraged, are more likely to be confident, are eager to try new things, and tend to feel that they are in control of their fate.  If I ask parents reading this article, “Who is the most important person in your life?”  most would quickly respond, without hesitation, that it is their child.  Yet, if we examine the data, would it tell the same story?  When we have guests over for dinner, the house is spotless and a wonderful meal is on the table.  Do we do the same for those precious eyes that look up to us daily?  If one of those guests accidentally spills a drink, we wouldn’t dream of yelling at him/her to be more careful or give an angry look.  We would smile and say, “Don’t worry about it;” even if it left a broken glass and a stain on the carpet.  We make sure that we hold doors open for strangers, save our best manners for company, and smile at work.  Often, the ones we love the most get the leftovers…the left over energy, the left over time, and the left over patience.  With our neck breaking pace, often there’s very little left over.

            It’s important to put the same zeal and energy in our family as we do into our career.  As the adage goes, no one ever has said on their death bed, “I wish I had spent more time at work.”   Just as we grow in our career and educate ourselves at work to be better employees, we should always be striving as parents to improve each day.  There are many ways to be a more encouraging parent.  The most important first step is to take the time to listen.  Engage in activities that will promote communication like family dinners, car rides without the radio on, board games and turning off the cell phone when you are with your child.  Realize that we can only build on strengths.  We are a mistake-oriented society.  We are quick to point out weaknesses.  Take time to notice your child’s strengths and notice them often.  Allow your child to make mistakes.  That doesn’t mean to lower expectations or to accept irresponsible behavior.  Handle mistakes in a matter of fact manner and help your child learn from them.  Let your discipline be handled calmly and let your child see that the punishment fits the crime.  Discipline should help your child to grow, not discourage him/her.  Do our children really learn anything when we yell at them?  Would we use that tone with our colleagues or friends?  If the answer is “no,” we certainly wouldn’t want to use it with our children!  Recognize improvement (even if it is slight) and effort. 

            The most important part of being an encouraging parent is to create a warm environment for your child.  I firmly believe that babies cannot be held too much and children cannot be hugged too often.  Fortunately, I have research that agrees.  A study conducted by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development conducted a recent study on the effects of parent expectations on children.  One of the findings was that parents who had a warm relationship with their children – who hugged them often, and told them they loved them and were proud of them – reported that their children were happier, less withdrawn and had fewer behavior problems than others.  So, take the time today to let the most important person in your life know how much he/she means to you.  Invest your time and energy in your child.  Let everyone else get the leftovers.   

 ATTENTION ALL FIFTH GRADE PARENTS:

I am working on scheduling Individual Learning Plan conferences with each child and parent.  I am presently completing meetings with all fifth grade students.  Please call me or e-mail me if I haven’t met with you and your fifth grader!  leona.parker@pgcps.org

STUDENT COUNCIL ELECTIONS

If you think there’s an exciting presidential race going on, you should keep your eyes on the races for Student Council Offices at Kettering.  We have some well qualified candidates preparing for our November 3 elections.  We encourage good citizenship and leadership from our candidates.  The students will also have an opportunity to vote for Barack Obama or John McCain.  We’ll see how our election mirrors the General Election.

 BOOKS AND RESOURCES ONLINE

Elementary School Math and Science Textbooks online:

·         http://pgcounty.scottforesman.com/   This website is divided into Math and Science sections for grades K through 5.

·         To access your child’s math textbook (grades 1-5 only),

o        User name: math

o        Password: Your child’s grade level—1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th, or 5^th

·         To access your child’s science textbook (grades 1-5 only),

o        User name: science

o        Password: Your child’s grade level—1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th, or 5^th

·         The other section of this website is called Take It to the Net (Math and Science for grades K-5).  You do not need a user name or password to access this.  Under Take It to the Net, you will find:

o        Math

·         Games that will help students practice math facts, addition and subtraction with a time line, area and perimeter, and fractions.

·         Test Prep with multiple choice problems matched to chapters in textbook.

·         Math videos.

·         Examples of how to do math problems

o        Science

·         Activities

·         Games

                                                                                                                                                 September 2008

Try an Educational Work-Out

            Welcome back! I am excited to be back with you and your child as your School Counselor at Kettering Elementary for the 2008-2009 school year!

            Does a child’s success in school come from wishing?..... from luck?..... from hoping?..... from dreaming?..... Actually, the students who have the most school success have actively involved parents. Think of yourself as your child’s “Personal Trainer” and the daily time working with your child as his/her “work-outs.”  Turn off the TV, videos, and video games and put your work plan into action.

            The first step is Power Talking.  Talking about books, experiences, and current events, develop language skills, vocabulary, and a positive parent-child relationship.  Take advantage of the time you spend with your child.  Turn off the cell phone and radio on car trips. Take walks together.  Most importantly, have dinner together each evening.  Conversation naturally evolves when the other distractions are eliminated.

Stretching is also important.  Tone and stretch your child’s mind by reading books to your child that are harder than he or she would choose independently. Be sure to take time to discuss the main idea, identify the character’s problems and how they are resolved, discuss words your child may not understand, and choose books that you’re your child’s interest.  Math “stretches” are also important.  Ask questions while you grocery shop.  If yogurt is 10 for $5.00 how much does one cost?  If each family member eats about 1/3 lb of hamburger meat, how many pounds of meat should be purchased? Stretches are best daily, but at a minimum do them 4 times per week for excellent mind toning. Of course, your child should be exercising his/her mind by reading independently and practicing math facts as well.

            Staying organized is like weight lifting.  The more daily repetitions, the more organizational skills your child builds.   You can build your child’s organizational skills by going through his/her book bag, folders, Agenda Book, and homework together.  The more you practice organization skills, the stronger your child’s organizational skills will get and the better you and your child will feel. 

            Your child will become more mentally active, think more positively, be more creative, curious, and personally happier by participating in this structured educational and work-out with you as your child’s “Personal Educational Trainer.”  Please feel free to contact me throughout the year if you would like to discuss your child’s progress, school concerns or any questions you may have. 

INDIVIDUAL LEARNING PLANS

 Last year I was able to meet with over half of our parents and students to develop their Individual Learning Plans (ILP). The ILP is an opportunity for your child to develop short term goals, academic goals and career goals.  The plan must be developed collaboratively with the student, parent and school counselor in a conference at school.  You do not need to wait for me to contact you to develop your child’s ILP.  Feel free to call me at school (301-808-5977) or email me (leona.parker@pgcps.org) to develop your child’s ILP or assist with any school concern.  I look forward to meeting with you!